Accept uncertainty.

Don't regret, even if it was a failure... or you will end up second guessing yourself for always and forever.

I am going to work on the accept uncertainty. I worry a lot about decisions I make. Especially ones for my child. I never thought i regretted decisions I've made, but then why would i be second guessing and worrying about new decisions I have to make?

Anxiety and fear must not rule my everyday life. Yet, the balance between making informed and calculated decisions with taking chances and being open to new experiences must be made.

That balance is the hard part.

parenting and self

I watch my child run around the house, just to run. I see her spin, dance and literally bounce off the walls. She has more energy and spirit than I ever had. Or did I once posses this life force too? Her ability to bounce from wild happiness to absolute desperate sadness is frightening, and I pray it isn't some underlying template for her future. 

She should have the brightest, happiest, most carefree (yet stable) life imaginable.  She can pursue and achieve her dreams. I want so much for her, that the idea of figuring out a way of providing her the map to get there is unnerving. I am paralysed by the thought of providing her sustainable and renewable happiness. I worry I won't be able to do it. 

Do all parents feel this way? Did mine? My mom is gone now, but I think that her life was centered on making her children happy, to a fault. Her life suffered from it. Am I selfish for wanting to be happy also? Because I am a parent, am I supposed to give up my own joy? 

My joy has become making my daughter happy. My dream has become for her to  achieve whatever she wants in life. Also, though, I do not want to become my mom. As much as I continue to love her, I do not want to lose a sense of myself. 

How I define myself will inevitably include my daughter, but will not only be about her. 

balance.

sometimes when i get very stressed, i start thinking too much. life never gets easier, does it? it just keeps going until it ends. what you make of each day is what matters.

this week: i have been fighting with my computer. i have a couple of sleepless nights. i have fought with my 3 and a half year old daughter--like anyone wins in that situation. i have become increasingly more stressed out by simple day-to-day absolutely average issues that aren't even worth mentioning.

on the flip side. i re-connected with an old friend, with whom i haven't talked to in over a year. i have decided to pursue health with determiniation. and i have decided to let something go, that i was never committed to from the begining. each has it own particularly pleasurable aspects.

balance has never been my easiest goal. i have to work for it and it is not easy. makes me wonder if it's easy for anyone -- or i am particularly balance-challenged. when one things gets me down, it's like an avalanch, and it i am not careful i get buried. if something is really great, i'll forget about everything else that is good... it overshadows.

i used to avidly think and strive for tao in my life. it used to be a lense through which i tried to judge myself. somehow over the past few years i have forgotten it.

balance is hard. stress is frustrating. happieness is elusive evenif it's right there. love is work.